complicated grief
My father committed suicide two days before Thanksgiving. My mom threw away the turkey that year. Nine years later, we still can’t celebrate Thanksgiving at home. Suicide destroys a lot and requires a lot of rebuilding. We have now rebuilt our holidays, creating new traditions and new ways to celebrate each other. There had been marriages and births, moments of hope and joy, but the place where my father once stood was still a dark place.
My father's life was complicated, and so was his death. My father had a hard time understanding himself and how to relate to his children. It is painful to know that he died alone in his darkest mental space. With such sadness, his passing has left me in a state of shock and mixed grief.
Suicide remains a taboo subject and is often ignored. For years, I kept the manner of my father's death secret, sharing the news only with my closest friends and family. I silently mourned anniversaries, cringed when others made suicide jokes, and felt everything from sadness to anger to shame.
But somehow I have come out on the other side of my grief. I will always carry my father and his death with me, but now I am able to let go of the pain. With time and an outpouring of support, the grief has subsided.
remember
My memories of my father’s death are hazy at best. I don't remember what happened, what I did, or how I got through it.
I would forget everything—where I was going, what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to see.
I do remember getting help. I have a friend who walks with me to work every day (otherwise I wouldn’t survive), a family who cooks for me, and a mom who sits with me and cries with me.
I remember thinking about my father’s death over and over again. I never actually saw his body, never saw the place where he died, and never saw the gun he used. Yet, every night when I closed my eyes, I would see my father dying. I saw the tree he sat on, the weapons he used, and I felt pain for his final moments.
Shock
I tried my best not to close my eyes and be alone with my thoughts. I work hard, spend hours at the gym and hang out with friends in the evenings. I was numb and I chose to do anything but acknowledge what was going on in my world.
I would be exhausted during the day and I would come home with a doctor-prescribed sleeping pill and a glass of wine.
Even with sleeping pills, rest can still be a problem. I couldn't close my eyes and saw my father's broken body. Even though I had a full social schedule, I still felt miserable and moody. The smallest things make me angry: a friend complains that her father is overprotective, a co-worker complains about her "apocalyptic" breakup, a teenager yells at her dad in the street. Don’t these people know how lucky they are? Doesn't everyone realize that my world has ended?
Everyone copes differently, but one thing I learned in therapy is that shock is a common response to any type of sudden death or traumatic event. The mind cannot process what is happening and you actually become numb.
The magnitude of my feelings overwhelmed me. Grief comes like a wave, grief from suicide comes like a tsunami. I was angry at the world for not helping my father, and angry at my father for not helping himself. I am deeply saddened by my father's pain, and deeply saddened by the pain he has caused me. I was in pain and I relied on friends and family for support.
start to heal
I was unable to recover from my father's suicide on my own, and eventually I decided to seek professional help. Through working with a professional psychologist, I was able to understand my father's mental illness and understand how his choices impacted my life. It also provides me with a safe place to share my experiences without fear of being a “burden” to anyone.
In addition to personal therapy, I joined a support group for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Meeting these people helped normalize many of my experiences. We are all walking in a thick fog of grief. Some of us relive our last moments with loved ones. All of us wonder: "Why?"
Through therapy, I also learned more about my emotions and how to manage my symptoms. Many suicide survivors experience complicated grief, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder.
The first step in asking for help is knowing where to go. There are several organizations focused on helping survivors of suicide, such as:
- survivor of suicide
- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
- Suicide Survivors Hope Alliance
You can find resource lists for support groups and even therapists who specialize in working with suicide survivors. You can also seek advice from your primary care physician or insurance company.
How can it help?
Craft your story
Perhaps most importantly, therapy gave me the opportunity to tell the “story” of my father’s suicide. Traumatic events tend to get lodged in the brain in strange fragments. When I started therapy, I could barely talk about my father's death. The words just didn't come out. Through writing and talking about it, I slowly developed my own narrative of my father's death.
Finding someone to talk to and lean on is an important first step to take after a loved one dies by suicide, but finding someone to talk to years after a loved one's death is also important. Grief never completely goes away. Some days will be harder than others, and having someone to talk to can help you get through the toughest days.
Talking to a trained therapist can be helpful, but if you're not ready yet, reach out to a friend or family member. You don't have to share everything with this person. Stick to what you are willing to share.
Journaling is also an effective way to get your thoughts out of your head and start making sense of everything. Remember, you are not writing your thoughts down for others (including your future self) to read. Nothing you wrote is wrong. It is important that you be honest about how you are feeling and thinking at the time.
treat
Even though suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States, some people still feel uncomfortable with it. Talk therapy helped me for many years. I benefited from the safe space of psychotherapy where I could discuss all my issues regarding suicide.
When looking for a therapist, find someone you can talk to easily. You also don't have to settle for the first therapist you try. You open up to them about a very personal thing in your life. You may also want to find a therapist who has experience working with suicide survivors. Ask your primary care provider if she has any suggestions, or call your insurance provider. If you join a survivor group, you can ask the group members if they have any suggestions. Sometimes word of mouth is the easiest way to find a new doctor.
Medication may also help. Psychological problems can have a biological component, and I've been using medication to treat my symptoms of depression for years. Your doctor can help you decide if medication is right for you, and they may prescribe medications such as antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, or sleep aids.
self care
One of the most important things I can do is remember to take care of myself. For me, self-care includes healthy food, exercise, yoga, friends, writing time, and vacation time. Your list may vary. Focus on things that bring you joy, help you relax and stay healthy.
I'm lucky to have a good support network around me who remind me when I'm not taking good care of myself. Grief is hard work and the body needs proper rest and care to heal.
admit your feelings
Real healing began when I began to acknowledge what was really going on in my life. This means I'm honest with others when I'm having a bad day. My father’s death anniversary and birthday have been challenging days for me over the years. I take days off to do something nice for myself or spend time with friends instead of going through my day pretending everything is "fine." Ironically, once I allowed myself to be uncomfortable, I started to relax.
What else is difficult?
Suicide affects people in different ways, and everyone will have their own triggers that remind them of sadness or recall negative emotions. Some of these triggers are easier to avoid than others, which is why having a support network is so important.
suicide jokes
To this day, suicide and mental illness jokes still make me cringe. For some reason, it's still socially acceptable for people to joke about wanting to "shoot themselves" or "jump off a building." A few years ago this would have brought tears to my eyes; today it makes me pause and I get on with my day.
Consider letting people know that these jokes are not good. They may not have meant to offend, and educating them that their comments were insensitive can help them avoid saying similar things in the future.
Violent pictures
I've never been one for violent movies or TV, but after my father's death I could barely see blood or guns on the screen without flinching. I used to feel really embarrassed about it, especially when I was with new people or out on dates. I'm very candid about my media choices these days. Most of my friends know that I don't like violent shows and accept this without question (whether they know my family history or not).
Be honest about your feelings. Most people don't want to put another person in an uncomfortable situation, so they might appreciate knowing what's making you uncomfortable. If they still try to push you into situations that make you uncomfortable, consider whether the relationship still has value. It's not healthy to hang out with people who always make you unhappy or uncomfortable.
share story
Sharing the story of my father’s suicide became easier over time, but still challenging. In the early days, I had a hard time controlling my emotions and would often blurt out what was going on when people asked me. Thankfully, those days are behind us.
Today, the hardest part is knowing when to share and how much to share. I often give people bits and pieces of information, good or bad, and very few people in the world know the full story of my father's death.
Don't feel like you have to share everything. Even if someone asks you a question directly, you are under no obligation to share anything you don't feel comfortable sharing. Survivors of a suicide group can provide you with a safe environment to share your story first. Members can even help you share your story with social groups or new friends. Alternatively, you can choose to share it with your friends first so that it becomes public, or you can decide to share the work with specific people. However you choose to share your story, the most important thing is that you share it in your own time and as much information as you feel comfortable sharing.
Suicide is a difficult topic, and sometimes people react poorly to the news. People's religious beliefs, or their own stereotypes or misunderstandings, can all be obstacles. Sometimes people just feel awkward and uncomfortable around tough topics. This can be frustrating, but luckily I have a strong network of friends to help me through these moments. If you work hard enough and don't give up hope, you can find the right people to support you.
Conclusion
My father's suicide was the most painful event in my life. There were times during my grieving process when I wasn’t sure the pain would ever end. But I continued to move forward slowly and little by little I started to get my life back on track.
There is no map back to life, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. You slowly put one foot in front of the other as you go, building your own path to healing. One day I looked up and I hadn't cried all day, and at some point I looked up and I hadn't thought about my dad in weeks. There are times now when those dark days of sadness feel like a nightmare.
For the most part, my life has returned to a new normal. If I stopped, my heart would break for my dad, all the pain he went through, and all the pain he caused my family. But if I pause for a second, I'm also so grateful for all the friends and family who have helped me through this, and grateful to know the depth of my inner strength.
Hong Kong Samaritan Suicide Prevention Association: 2389 2222
Samaritans 24-hour multilingual service: 2896 0000
Lifeline: 2382 0000
