Why do people with narcissistic personality disorder play games?
Sometimes the goal of people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) seems to be to get their needs met, which may involve others consciously or unconsciously helping them achieve that goal, says a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
"I recommend not using the word 'game' when talking about narcissism," she said. "I think it makes an already difficult situation sound even worse and more vicious than one would normally expect. "
"These 'games' are strategic manipulation," she added. "Often, they are completely unconscious. People with this level of narcissism are usually in so much pain that their ability to empathize with the pain of others is very low. "
What games do people with narcissistic personality disorder like to play?
Those with NPD tend to have low self-esteem.
Therefore, many of the relationship games they play may revolve around maintaining a sense of control so that they don't have to face the shame they may feel internally.
"People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to use strategies to gain power and control over individuals in order to maintain a position of superiority and/or dominance over them," says one licensed professional counselor. "In this way, their needs are met, thereby enhancing their self, worth and self-esteem."
Some common games that people with narcissistic personality disorder may play include:
- Shirk responsibility
- cheat
- Gaslighting
- ghosting
- love bombing
- Play the victim
- projection
- triangulation
How do you recognize when you're playing a game?
Becoming more familiar with these games may help you discover what they are like and set appropriate personal boundaries.
love bombing
As the name suggests, this happens when someone pays you a compliment, shows you affection or makes a big gesture, or does something too quickly. This may be for emotional intimacy or security.
"I actually think people like bombs out of guilt," the psychologist said. "Desire to be 'in love' and to experience positive acceptance from a love bomb partner."
She added, "It's all about feeling good, feeling important, feeling unique and boosting self-esteem. Often, at any cost, at the expense of what other people think and feel."
Play the victim
People with NPD often have a strong sense of entitlement. They may believe they deserve special attention or treatment.
They may use your empathetic nature to manipulate you into helping them or going easy on them. You may find it difficult to let go of someone who seems to have been having bad luck.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is denying the reality of a situation you see or hear, which can confuse your sense of reality. They may try to avoid getting caught by passing things off to you.
One of the most common things that happens is if you constantly question yourself.
triangulation
Triangulation is a way to isolate yourself from friends or family. It can take many forms.
One way to do this is to turn you against others, or turn others against you. This can be done through a smear campaign - attacking someone's reputation behind their back.
We want you to side with them, not the other person, who might think the other person is competing for your attention.
ghosting
Ghosting can occur when someone no longer feels like you can offer them something they find valuable. They may cease contact as part of a pattern of "devaluation and discarding" behavior.
There are many reasons why you might be haunted by a ghost. This person may have lost interest in you or just wants to see how much you care about them. Whatever the reason, this power move may be another manipulative tactic in an attempt to control the relationship.
revenge
It is not uncommon for people with NPD to have a fragile sense of self.
If you criticize their behavior, narcissistic anger or hurt may result. Instead of sitting with difficult emotions and self-reflection, they may externalize the pain they feel in the form of revenge.
Coping skills
Professional counselors say that if you are in a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder, the first step is to acknowledge your wounds.
"Enable manipulation," she said. "Feel the pain, but don't stop there. Don't give up. Getting angry at someone who manipulates you is not a recipe for health or pattern-breaking."
Instead, shift the focus from their behavior to your reaction. You may find it helpful to ask yourself the following questions:
- How did this happen?
- How did I get to this point?
- What beliefs might have led to this?
- Where do these come from?
By the way, you don’t have to do this hard inner work alone. You may find it helpful to work with a mental health professional to help process your feelings.
Next step
If a person with narcissistic personality disorder seems to be playing games with you, you will often feel hurt.
Keep in mind that this is a complex mental health condition and the person engaging in this behavior may or may not be aware of their behavior.
However, this does not mean you have to engage in these games or behaviors. You may find it helpful to work with a mental health professional to set boundaries and educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder.
"Treatment can help in many ways," says the clinical psychologist. "You can learn healthy coping mechanisms, recognize danger signs, and build self-esteem and confidence."
"It's empowering to know that you are not 'stuck' in this relationship and that you can find the support and guidance you may need through therapy," she adds.
