"Better out than in."
This sentence crushed me. This is a folk saying that seems to go back a long time, but you may have heard it from "Shrek."
I'm not entirely sure what that means, but it's great advice for all of us in the emotional realm.
Especially for men.
This is directly contrary to what most men have been taught.
In recent history, and probably always will be, we reward and even exalt men for their ability to push their feelings down and perform in the heat of the moment.
Warriors, sports stars, firefighters, CEOs—the list goes on. These people often ignore personal fears, pain, and anything else that serves the goal at hand.
But what we fail to understand is that this is a skill that is used in a specific time and place, not a blanket life strategy.
when repression works
A few examples initially come to mind.
The most commonly shared is on the battlefield. In active combat, when everything is at stake, it is very unhelpful to feel the full intensity of fear. It will kill you.
Exercise went down a few notches on the intensity scale. If the game is tied and you're taking free throws to win, it's helpful and necessary to remove the emotion from the moment.
If I expressed my emotions while my wife was giving birth, I would lose shit. It's wild.
Instead, I was able to feel through my emotions, stay calm and present, and take action on behalf of my wife.
So suppression has a useful function. Unfortunately, this has been the go-to strategy for most men for as long as we can remember.
When emotional suppression becomes a blanket tactic, it becomes absolutely toxic. Unexpressed emotions make us sick.
A recent study shows that emotional expression is critical to our physical health, mental health, and overall well-being.
The negative impact of repression is greater than you think.
Past research has shown that masking emotions may be associated with increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Some older evidence even suggests that emotional health factors may be linked to longevity.
Eat ice cream with a free pass and forget about the gym! just kidding.
If only it were that simple.
Healthy emotional expression has been linked to an improved ability to handle stress and manage pain, as well as better immune function. This is just the tip of the iceberg of personal interests, but it goes far beyond that.
Emotions are crucial to building the relationships we need in life. Our ability to feel and express ourselves is at the core of successful friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, and our influence and success at work.
Helping men get in touch with their bodies and emotions through regular support groups. The results are dramatic, fast and long-lasting.
A little vulnerability goes a long way. When we are honest and expressive, it gives others permission to do the same. Call it “emotional leadership.”
6 Steps to Expression
1. Make choices and plans
When we are not used to experiencing our emotions, they can feel uncomfortable and overwhelming. There are many options to start with.
You can work with a therapist and ask friends to support you. You can also find some solo time and bring a journal.
Feel this and decide what support you may want or need.
2. Slow down
When it's time to feel the feelings, it's time to slow down.
Turn off the screen. Find a quiet place and eliminate distractions. Don't do this in a car or train. Turn off the music and be still.
Our constant movement is one of the ways we habitually shut down our emotions, so find a way to stop and remain still. Your feelings will be waiting for you.
3. Get in touch with your body
If you want to feel your emotions, start with your body.
Emotions are physiological events. They carry a feeling that you can point to and describe. Start paying attention to your body in increasingly subtle ways.
Notice when you clench your jaw or lift your shoulders. Notice if your chest is slumped or if you have a knot in your belly.
Begin to be more aware and name the feelings when you feel them.
4. Learn basic emotions
Use the 5 basic emotions: anger, shame, fear, sadness and happiness.
There are countless feelings and emotions, and trying to understand and name what we're feeling can quickly become overwhelming. So start with these basics.
Which of these 5 emotions feels real to you? As you feel them, begin to match them with the physical sensations in your body.
5. Speak up
When you feel something, write it down or say its name out loud.
Name it to tame it. This is knowledge that should conform to human and empirical standards. It's very simple and very powerful.
When something gets you down, instead of clenching your fists and holding on, take advantage of your new skills. Slow down, feel your body, and describe your experience simply, such as "I feel overwhelmed, scared, and out of control."
6.Accept
Once you slow down, feel it and name it, the next step is to accept it. There is no good or bad relationship. They just feel.
When you accept your feelings instead of pushing them away, you allow the emotion to pass through without being repressed.
Emotional suppression is a useful and necessary tool in certain situations, but it can be destructive in daily life.
To be healthy and successful, we need to be able to suppress sometimes. But we also need to be able to express ourselves in healthy and constructive ways.
We and our loved ones deserve to experience our entire selves—emotions and all. They make us richer and more connected.
